Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson issued an alert last week warning the Windy City's citizens to get their murdering done before the beloved crime-ridden streets are invaded by the National Guard. The mayor urged swift action as this may be the last chance for Chicago residents to enjoy drive by's, stray bullet killings, and random senseless murders for some time. Stocking up on murders now will be essential for surviving the long peaceful days ahead. But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (title headline by @dontslowtheearth
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Road Crew Fired For Tipping Off Illegal Immigrants With 'Watch For Ice On Bridge' Sign @kirgol
British Government Announces Meme Buyback Program To Combat Free Speech @dontslowtheearth
"This Means War!" Say Democrats In Protest Of DoD Renaming @gfanson
Gilligan Really Regretting His 3 Hr Tour Out Of Venezuela @ruthiej714
College Teen Receives His First Container Of Leftovers To Take Home With Him @thebigfreeze
Historians Confirm Mrs O'Leary's Cow Was Startled By Chicago Gunfire @twoplus2ischicken
Sports Reporter Claims The WNBA Has Highlights @drconservativeprof
Diabolical! Delilah Cuts Samson's Hair So It Looks Like Greta Thunberg's @batknight
President Trump Launches Hot Sub Sandwich To Hungry Tren De Aragua Gang @annafillaxis
Britain Insists They Have Plenty Of Free Speech If Your Name Is Muhammad @baberahamlincoln
Actually, HE Used A Semi-Automatic Rifle And Female Pronouns @lmm1416
Man Thinks About How Smart He Would Sound If He Could Just Figure Out How To Use ChatGpt @priehle
Rookie Bookie Offers Odds That Greta's Haircut Means She'll Soon Come Out As Trans @mjja
Phillies Karen Vows None Of The Sneaky Little Hobbitses Will Ever Get Their Hands On Her Precious @swanhilde
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
Chicago Marathon Canceled After Starter's Pistol Used In Homicide @daviddeeble
To Ensure The One Ring Is Lost Forever, Frodo Stores It In His Tool Box @shadrach
Report: International Secret Society Of Evil Hairdressers Disproportionally Targets Liberal Women @mdboris
Dems Claim That Cracking Down On Gang Violence In Chicago Is A Slippery Slope To Law And Order Nation Wide @babylonjosh
Chicago Mayor Tells Residents To Get Their Murdering Done Before Trump Sends In National Guard @dontslowtheearth
Dad Scientists Develop Garlic Lipstick For Teenage Daughters @kirgol
White House Confirms Small Object Thrown From Window Was George Stephanopoulos @westland619
Main Stream Media Proves Trump Wrong About Crime, By Not Reporting On Any Of It @toddsbee
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
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